Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Infatuation and Obsession

See if this sounds familiar. You've met a woman, gone on a few dates, spent time with her, and suddenly you can't get her out of your mind. She's everything you've ever wanted in a woman. You can't live without her. She means everything to you. You're convinced this is it - true love at last.

You confess your feelings to her. Then, horror of horrors, she starts acting differently toward you. A little cool, a little distant, certainly not as warm and friendly as before.

You begin analyzing everything she says and does and how every one of her actions relates to you. If she calls, you're ecstatic. If she doesn't call, you're depressed. If she smiles, all is right with the world. If she seems quiet and moody, she's undoubtedly rethinking your relationship. You spend hours and days fretting over her most trivial actions.

But her moodiness and distance only fuels your passion more. Perhaps she doesn't understand. If she only knew just how much you really love her, then she would be ecstatic, too. You must make it crystal clear how much you adore her.

So you begin calling, texting or emailing her constantly, trying to see her at every opportunity, all the while pouring out your love for her. Strangely, this seems only to drive her farther away, till at last it all comes to a tragic end and she tells you flat out to get lost.

There may or may not be a restraining order involved.

What happened? Where did it all go so horribly awry? How could something that seemed so right turn out so wrong?

Far too many men find themselves becoming first infatuated and then obsessed by a woman. This is especially true if they don't date often or are accustomed to dating only one woman at a time, or if they've only had a few serious relationships in their lives.

I've experienced the extreme highs and lows of infatuation myself, and it's no picnic.

Why do we do it? Because of insecurity and a lack of meaning and purpose in our lives.

The primary reason we tend to obsess over a woman is out of fear that we'll lose her and never find another one to replace her. This is insecurity at its most basic: thinking that somehow we're not good enough and we only managed to attract this one through sheer luck.

Listen, you didn't attract her through luck. Women don't draw our names out of a hat and your name just happened to come up. No, you attracted her because you did something right. If you need to obsess over something, obsess over figuring out what you did right. And then keep doing it.

The other reason for obsessive behavior is that there is usually something lacking in our lives - a sense of purpose, for instance - and we hope that some woman is going to fill that lack. That won't work, either. No other person can give us what we lack. Only we alone can complete ourselves. And it's only when we're complete in and of ourselves that we can experience healthy and loving relationships with other people.

Infatuation and obsession are actual medical conditions in which all sorts of body chemicals trick our brains into believing in things that aren't real.

Here is Wikipedia's definition of infatuation: "...the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Usually one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone.

"Infatuation is a common emotion characterized by unrealistic expectations of blissful passion without positive relationship growth or development. Infatuation is distinguished by a lack of trust, loyalty, commitment, and reciprocity. In the case of infatuation, there is more often than not an obsessor and an object of desire (generally unattainable). One may come to the conclusion that unlike love, infatuation is not mutual."

Obviously I couldn't have said it better myself. The point to understand is that in allowing yourself to become infatuated, just as in allowing yourself to become obsessed, you hand over control of your happiness to some other person, when in reality you and you alone should be the only one to ever have that control.

Notice I said "allowing yourself to become infatuated." Even though it feels as if the passion simply overcame you, you still acted out of your own free will. You're in charge. You're holding the reins to your own life. No one put a gun to your head and said, "You must now become infatuated."

Infatuation and obsession are states of mind you must vigilantly guard against. Nothing good can ever come from allowing yourself to succumb to either one, for they're not genuine love.

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